Dayton, OH From the Sky
The Webster Street Market in Dayton, OH
The clouds and a cold breeze almost let some sunlight shine onto the street.
It's approximately 50 degrees this morning in Dayton, OH, in the rolling hills where the story began. We flew into Detroit and had the great experience of going on a "Tour de Food" in Ann Arbor, MI to the Zingerman's Deli chain and were rewarded with free T-shirts for visiting all of their stores: The Creamery, Roastery, Roadhouse, Deli, and Bakery. As a full-fledged foodie, this was an excellent way to pass a day in the cold state of Michigan.
We drove to Dayton yesterday for my dear friend Therese's wedding at Benham's Grove-which is a little farmhouse with land in the middle of Downtown Centerville where I have a lot of honestly vague memories. On the way we stopped at a Cracker Barrel for lunch and I realized that my period of time working there might be the only cluster of truly fond memories that I have from here, the only ones that hold no bad memories, nothing tainted or strange where things got complicated.
Coming back to Dayton is always a bit surreal. It still has its familiar elements , but yet most everything has changed as far as the highways, buildings, and the people I knew who will always be 18 in my mind but are now approaching 30 and some are already there. I can see the lines developing by their eyes that I recognize in my own reflection when I look in the mirror, and I like to think that they are remnants of the laughter we shared. It's almost like heaven going back. You imagine all of the people in your life that were there in the hard times, and then you come out on the other side and there all of you are, happy and free.
Ah, my dear friends.
...
Let's go back to 2006 where we left off.
After calling "The Background Guy", the next morning, I left for the airport and pretended like I was leaving everything behind even though it was only for 3 weeks.
I remember that morning very well unlike most other things. I was working on the video for the Cracker Barrel Christmas Party, which I was going to miss that year. I was waiting all morning for the video to render and was almost late for my flight; thank you Movie Maker & Cracker Barrel. This is actually the 2005 video which was much better than the one I almost missed my flight for. This is an edited version of the already edited version so please forgive the choppiness:
Hopefully the Cracker Barrel crew appreciated my efforts.
I have not yet mentioned this because I wasn't going to originally, but I was not alone on my trip to Kenya. I took someone with me, a guy who was a friend of mine who shall remain nameless (I didn't want to go alone). I leave him out of the story most of the time because he really wasn't even there. We did drive to the airport together, but then on the plane he sat somewhere else, and then when we got to Kenya he avoided me like a plague. I think we went to the hospital in the village once where we washed windows together and that may have been our only conversation. Oh, but we did also see a movie in Nairobi and he did help me wash out my eyes after we were tear-gassed on the street (true story which I'll elaborate on in a later blog).
On the flight back we had a layover in New York. He said he was going to go explore and then I never saw him again. Not even on the flight back-I guess he wandered off. True Story and one of the strangest experiences of my life.
Of course, I did also consider him as a "candidate" for the future, but he acted so strange during the trip that I felt like he might be hiding something and running off in the airport was kind of the nail in the coffin of unpredictability for me.
The options were narrowing thin to an obvious final point: My Alter Ego.
Sidenote: I am attempting to combine the Kenya stories along with the stories of Fostering and Adopting, so please forgive the lack of explanation on the trip there-I will be telling it all later!
I was gone for 3 weeks, and my good friend Alicia picked me up from the airport. When you come back from a developing country and then are plopped back into the seemingly effortless life in America, and people ask you, "How was your trip?" You really don't know how to respond to that, or at least I never have. I can't say, "Good" because that would just be sickeningly insufficient, but I also don't want to say, "Really intense" or the like because that will lead to several long stories and passions of mine that I usually feel like people aren't that interested in hearing, whether that's true or not I'm never for sure. I'm not that good with spoken words so writing it out paints a better picture for everyone and saves them from my scattered babbles.
She brought me back to my apartment-it was empty because my roommate had gone home for Christmas. The living room had a small Christmas tree in it with lights and everything, courtesy of my mom who has always been considerate of the little things. That little tree made everything okay and even borderline wonderful to be back home.
I called my friend Peter to come over that night or maybe it was sometime later that week, I can't remember. Yes, he was another candidate although I was in denial about thinking that at the time. I don't care what anyone says, if you're single, everyone who crosses your path is a candidate. You've got to tuck some away here and there in the case that one day you find yourself prospect-less. I guess it's kind of like a "My Best Friend's Wedding" thing except there's nothing written in stone.
Peter came over and he played me some songs on the guitar-he'd just learned how to play. I knew when he got there that he and I would never work out being that we were both drifters. I had to screen him just in case because I was wondering if something strange might happen before Casey Samuel was to come and visit in just about a week on December 27th at 12:30 pm.
...
I was meeting my Alter Ego at El Toro, a local Mexican Restaurant as I'm sure you probably already guessed from its name. The coming event was leaving me feeling, let's say, "quizzical", because I love that word so much. I was wondering what our first meeting would be like, if I would fall in love with him at first sight, if it would be another "background guy" situation, if we would just find ourselves being good friends (the conclusion I though most likely), or if I would be repulsed by him and then we'd de-friend each other after the appropriate time on Myspace.
I think I mentioned earlier that the lunch plans we made involved our families as well, but I left out the part about how that was a horrible idea. We both had said without saying that if we invited our families as well that we would have an "out" if everything was just too weird. I was actually dumb enough to think that it was actually going to be cool, which I realized when I arrived was naive.
December 27th had arrived.
The most important question of all was before me: What should I wear?? You know how you try to look good without appearing as though you tried? That was me that day. I still have the shirt I wore that day-now it's starting to get a hole in it. I think I wore my old army canvas shoes. Boy, was I stylish.
My hair was in its predictable braid-ah, my phase of constant hair-braiding. I thought it made me look skinnier when my hair was in a braid and that's why I did it. I almost didn't care what I looked like and thinking back I may have even wanted to not look that great just to test and see if he would like me anyway.
Now that I've lived in North Carolina for four years, I have no idea how I wore those sandaly-ish shoes in that freezing weather. I got in my green 1992 Honda Accord which had been a faithful car to me over the years, and headed to El Toro. I didn't get butterflies in my stomach until I arrived and got out of the car to head for the front door, hoping desperately that I would be the one to get there first.
But of course my hope was in vain. I learned later that Casey Samuel's parents are Marines so I don't think they're late very often, but rather early.
I walked through the door and acted like I didn't already see all of them sitting there in one giant, happy bunch through the glass doors before I walked through them. I felt eyes watching me and Casey Samuel to see our reactions to each other (exactly why this was a horrible idea and I don't know how I didn't see that before). Mr. Casey did not look the way I expected him to-yes, your classic internet relationship (though it wasn't really a relationship) snafu. He had long, straight hair, which I could tell he had straightened with a flat iron, and he was dressed in mostly black and was quite thin or so I thought. He was not good at hiding his awkwardness, and he reached out his hand to shake mine, which I thought was strange and I offered to hug him instead to ease his awkward pain. I was feeling just as awkward as him but was much better at acting smooth. He later told me that he had thought long and hard about his plan of action upon our first greeting: handshake or hug? He said he had firmly decided on hug, but in his nervousness went for the handshake instead.
I took my seat at the long table right across from Mr. Casey with his mom, Cindy on my left side and the seats next to me available for my mom, Nanny, and Paw-Paw, who were running late. I have a bad habit in my head of thinking things are going to be way better than they actually turn out, in this case being that I imagined that when my family walked in, it would ease all of the awkward pain, but instead it actually just made it worse. When they did get there and the introduction was anticlimactic, I was thinking, "Oh crap, what's to lighten the mood now????"
In an effort to seek consolation, I kept trying to catch Mr. Casey's attention across the table to communicate with our eyes how awkward this was and that we both desperately wanted to leave, but I quickly learned that he does pick up on subtle communications.
I found that I had lost my appetite completely, but ordered something anyway. I had to make conversation with his cousins because I realized conversation with him was pointless because all I would get were goofy grins and nods. I quickly realized also that my family and his family had nothing in common. First off, I could tell immediately that his family was happy, which at the time I equated to: fake. They are the kind of family that likes to get together regularly and play games around the fire, while my family is the kind of family that gets together more out of simple tradition (though we love each other and want to be happy) and when we do its never as good as we think its going to be and passive aggression consume the air we breathe.
I could tell that even if his family had gone through tough times (which of course they have, just like the rest of us), that somewhere along the line they had grown out of it. They were now able to pay their bills, and probably much more. My family on the other hand, never quite got out of the tough times. I remember several times growing up when our power was shut off, social services called, and only being allowed to answer the phone sometimes to avoid the creditors.
Really when it came down to it, his family had been transformed by the Love of Christ.
...
We finished up eating, and I identified Mr. Casey's Uncle Johnny as my one friend in all of this. I could sense that he knew how awkward it was. I could not wait for this meal to end and then I would be scott-free. But then, and I should have predicted this, Alison asked if I wanted to come back to her house to play games.
Oh no, not games, I thought. Then I tried to rationalize:
It's okay, just get through this, and then you can go home and never speak of this again,.
For some reason I got the sense that she wanted all of us to ride together, which made no sense because her house is on the other end of town. I learned later that all of the Martin Family (Mr. Casey's Mom and sisters) have a thing for riding together places.
We walked out and while Mr. Casey was standing at the cash register, I was able to say something to him for really the first time since I'd gotten there, it was some kind of small talk. There hadn't been much to say since everyone had been watching us. I guess I had to put a filter on the gushing about how awesome it was that we were finally meeting and I'm sure he had as well.
We walked outside and I walked my mom to her car-she said something to me that I think was meant to squash the whole "relationship" idea that was looming in the back of my mind, but instead propelled me forward. She said, "They're not like us."
At first I responded with, "Yeah, I know. They like to play games-ugh!"
Later though, I went back to my journal.
If it isn't different, it isn't here.
Exactly.
This revelation had not yet hit me, however, as I drove deep into Beavercreek, Oh moaning and groaning to myself the whole way there, wondering how I would make it through this arduous task of playing games.
When I turned the corner into her neighborhood, I realized that my suspicions of them being well-off were correct. They have a beautiful house and well-kept yard, which I never felt like I fit in with. When I walked in, the house was spacious and clean, and family pictures were all over their walls. I had wondered what it would have been like to grow up with such security and to me, extravagance.
We sat down on the couches around the coffee table and thankfully she chose one of the few games that I enjoyed on a very rare occasion, Catch Phrase. I remember that I was on Casey Samuel's team, and that the experience was not as bad as I had expected it to be. God help me, it may have even been fun.
After that we drove out to Yellow Springs to one of my favorite spots: Young's Dairy Farm.
I bet you're all thinking, "Ah, this is where they started to fall in love, at the Dairy Farm!" Nope, sorry. That didn't happen. In fact, I was not feeling anything between us at all at this point. The second journal revelation didn't come until a few months later. I think I talked more to his cousins than I did to him because he wasn't much of a conversationalist. We fed some goats at Young's and then ate ice cream in the restaurant. I remember analyzing his personality based on what flavor ice cream he ordered, and then complimenting his mom's wedding ring and that's about it.
Our next stop was Clifton Mill to see the lights which I hadn't done in years. I found it strange that when I finally did come back that it was with a bunch of strangers under these less than normal circumstances.
It was freezing cold that night and I was starting to reap the consequences of wearing my canvas shoes without socks. I was wondering at what point during the night that Mr. Casey would try to talk to me, and found it so hard to believe that this was the person who I'd exchanged such long letter with over the past 9 months.
He had ridden there and back with me in my car and I dropped him off at Alison's. We made plans for the next day just the two of us so we actually get to have a conversation without prying eyes (though I don't think they meant to, how could you not?)
...
Around the time that I broke up with Army guy, I was, what I'll call, "hanging out" with a guy named Jay. We never officially "dated" which is why I use that term, but looking back on it now I can see that we really were.
He was a film-maker and one of his films was recently reviewed in the New York Times. It's called "Not Your Typical Bigfoot Movie". We were dating during the time that he was filming this, so I was privy to his inside jokes and information about his filming experience. He had a small apartment with a leather couch and green wall, and a long table set up in the dining room area in lieu of a table that was set with 3 monitors for editing. He's given me much inspiration over the years that the little people do make it. He told me once that when he was in high school, he knew that he was going to be somebody. I think he said that he thought his height (he was 6"5) and his full name, Jay Delaney held some sort of power of influence. I can't remember exactly what he said but it went something like that.
Official Trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGZMHmB3z84&feature=related
The films is also available on Netflix so check it out!!!!
Anyway, I remember a time when Jay and I went to feed some ducks in the Dayton Cemetery. That does not sound like a very good place to hang out, but it's actually quite beautiful and I've always had a thing for cemeteries; I've always found them to be the most peaceful places on earth.
When we were there, something about that day and the way the light was and the way that he walked told me that we were not meant to be together, that we could not do this kind of thing everyday. I did not tell this to him, of course, but I felt it deep down.
...
The next day in the late afternoon I went back to Alison's to pick up Mr. Casey, but I remember the sun being out and the weather feeling quite nice to me, although to him it probably felt like a freezer.
The first place we went that day was to feed ducks. The true tests had begun.
I didn't take him back to the same place that Jay and I went to, but an even better place in Yellow Springs right next to my very favorite cemetery. In the fall the ground would be covered with orange and yellow leaves that I could lie down in and forget all of my troubles. There is a white picket fence next to it that encloses some private property but is full of ducks and geese.
We stood there for a while and looked at them and fed them some bread, and I asked him random questions about himself, still trying to figure him out (which later he told me that he was on to me). I was starting to think that he was as simple as he let on. We left the ducks, and I decided that he had neither passed nor failed. I needed more time for testing.
We rode from there to my mom's house. We were just stopping by to pick up a slapstick commercial I made for my stepdad and his brother's homemade fishing lure: The Lurkey Lure. On the way there we were listening to the new Lifehouse CD-a common interest we shared. He hadn't heard it yet and I was taking him through all of the new songs and telling him how much they influenced my early Christian life though many did not know that they were Christian band. I remember thinking that I had made such an earth-shattering discovery when I listened to their lyrics and discovered they were talking about Jesus Christ.
What happened next was not contrived in any way; it had to have been God orchestrating things in the strange way that He does. We were pulling around the bend on Sylvania Rd. which leads to my mom's house. The sun always set on the right side of that and at dusk it's quite a beautiful sight. I surprised him with a very forward question: "Why did you come here to see me?"
His response was as I suspected, "What do you mean? Clarify."
"What did you hope to gain out of coming here?"
"Because I wanted to meet the other Casey Townsend!"
"Oh, okay." I said, apparently disappointed but trying not to show it too much.
"Is that what you were asking?" He asked.
"If that's the answer you want to give." I replied concisely.
I wasn't trying to be coy necessarily but I just couldn't believe that he was copping out and not giving me a heartfelt answer. Surely he couldn't be this simple.
We pulled in to my mom's driveway, and before I got out, I flipped through a couple of songs and stopped on one that had become a favorite of mine. "Oh, you have to listen to this one! It's so awesome!" I squealed. I told him I'd be right back and hopped out of the car and briskly walked up to my mom's doorstep.
I remember loving the music in that song but the lyrics had not stuck with me. While he was waiting for me in the car, this is what he was hearing:
We're not gonna live forever..can you tell me is it now or never...I'm not gonna make up your mind...I don't wanna live without you and I don't wanna live a lie...We'll never know till we try...
I got back in the car and he did not let on at all that the song he had just heard was giving him a sense of urgency.
From there I was taking him to my friend Jenna's party. At the age of about 27, she had finally moved out and gotten her own place. Gotta love Jenna.
He seemed to fit in well with all of my friends. One guy who was there, Big Mac, gave us a very sincere talk about how we really needed to research whether or not we were related (which I later learned Mr. Casey had taken care of that). I kept reassuring him that we were ONLY FRIENDS, hoping that Mr. Casey would also take that hint that I was not ready to move forward and was still considering whether or not I even wanted to. Although, I did very much want him to admit to me that he was interested and that was why he had come to Ohio and that would at least break the very thick sheet of ice.
We left there and went to pick up some Coconut Chip Graeter's ice cream and watch the movie, "Far From Heaven". I knew he was a film buff of sorts and this film has a lot of themes and messages, although I don't think it was a good pick for a "first date" of sorts. I was always really bad at picking movies.
At some point in the night we spent a great deal of time looking up homosexuality in the Bible and I really can't remember why. I think part of the reason was that I was trying to see how he reacted to certain things. More testing is always better than less testing.
After the movie ended, things were quiet, and he actually spoke up.
He said, "Remember earlier in the car, when you asked me why I came here?"
Uh-oh, I thought. Here it comes. Please don't confess you're undying love for me! Some guys just jump the gun too early.
He told me then that he wanted to pursue me. I thought about it for a moment and looked at his long hair which was redeemed by the bit of chest hair coming out of his shirt (I like hairy).
I said I wasn't sure how I felt about it yet but that I was open to thinking about it, and I expressed also that I didn't think we could come all the way to this point and not try. He was leaving after this trip to go on a skiing trip with some friends, so that would give us some space to process everything.
He left my apartment to make the long drive back home the next day, and he proceeded to walk the down the stairs with just a wave. I was waiting for him to offer a hug, but he didn't, so I did instead. He shook his head like, "Of course! A hug!" It was kind of the same thing that he had done at the restaurant by shaking my hand instead of hugging but I've forgiven him for being so awkward. :)
When I closed the door behind me, my honest thoughts were, "Oh no! What have I gotten myself into?!"
After Casey Samuel went home and I went back to work, I confided in my co-worker at Cracker Barrel, Jake, who was barely an acquaintance. I said, despite even my own disbelief, "I think I'm going to marry him."
...
