Foster Care & Adoption Blog #1

Above: Kenya 2005

To start off: I really should have done this from the beginning. This colorful journey over the past 7 years that has led my husband and me to what seems like the edge of a sky-dive has been so amazing, God-Directed, and heart-breaking at times. I want to share the journey (though partly in retrospect) with all of you! This is a collection of blogs that illustrate our journey to become Foster and Adoptive Parents. Stay tuned for unadulterated racism from outsiders and the hilarious stories from Foster Care Classes-you won't regret it!

Disclaimer: Has it been easy to lay aside my own desire to have "our own" children and take in someone else's, hoping to graft them into our family? NO. Do I think I'm some kind of superhero because I am laying aside that desire? YES. LOL-NO! Of course not. Honestly, the true reason for this Blog Collection is this: to remind myself of what God has done and what He has said. This is my healing.
I will be posting a daily, or at the least weekly blog to journal the class experience-YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS IT-TRUST ME. If you've been having a hard time laughing lately, just click on the link to my blog and you won't regret it.
Many of you know the story in part, but to the unsuspecting person who stumbled upon this blog on in a state of depression and despair, this one's for you.

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How it began: God's Crazy Ideas

Before I met my husband in 2006, I had the heart of a missionary. I had the amazing opportunity to travel and saw things that changed me forever, and I remember solemnly swearing that I would never forget the desperation I witnessed; I promised God that I would be one to help to meet the world's needs. I even wrote myself a letter before I left the mission field and had my team leader send it to me 6 months later so that I could be reminded of my heart's desire, lest I'd already forgotten. Through these experiences, specifically in my travels to Kenya, I heard God calling me to adoption.

This picture paints me as some kind of spiritual giant, but I assure you, I AM NOT. I didn't run off into a field with fluffy white flowers and kittens and cuddle all of the parentless children in the world. I left the mission field and went to back to school, which I loathed with my whole being. For about 2 years it seemed like any kind of spiritually that had mustered itself up in me was sucked out by the Institution of "Higher Education". I didn't spend my days day-dreaming of adopting my ideal child. Instead though I did daydream seemingly hopelessly of having a chance meeting with my future husband(whom, by the way, I didn't know yet) and also indulged myself deep into an eating disorder which consumed my life for the majority of my college years. Sound like adoptive mom material?
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I was never a "baby-loving" woman. I didn't spend a lot of time with children, was not the kind of girl that just loved being around them. Frankly, I didn't understand them and I don't think most of them really liked me, so I just steered clear of the whole thing. When I was in the mission field I would often laugh to myself at how every place I ended up in, I'd be working with orphans. God has a funny way of planting His seeds-and oh, how I mean that.

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It was like a faint whisper that I couldn't certainly distinguish-like in those moments on Lake Victoria I could feel the seed being planted in me, deep, deep down. It was the strangest thing-to be very certain of what's to come, but to not yet have the desire, but to desire the desire...

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Not being a "baby-loving" woman, I didn't think that I would ever become pregnant. I didn't spend much time thinking about the subject since I wasn't even married yet or finished with school, but I always had a sneaking suspicion that God wanted me to adopt so badly, that He would go so far as to shut my womb to make it happen. It was just a little subconscious instinct that I had, but no Doctor's had ever confirmed anything of the sort. I tried to explain this to my family, that I planned to adopt my children someday, and they very obviously brushed it off as a mere whim.
Actually, here's a great story for you:
Recently my Grandmother asked me what I'd been up to lately. I hesitated at first, but then decided to respond with:
"Well, we're doing great! We're getting things ready for our final home visit tomorrow and then we'll be getting licensed to have children in the house!"
Her response: "Oh."
"Well, do you have any new recipes?"

This is what we've been dealing with lately. Your thoughts are most likely, "Well, they're just old school." Yes, this is true, but they're not your typical 85-year olds; they're with it-very with it. I want to excuse their behavior just as badly as you do, but let's face it, some people just suck.


But, you know what?
I'll tell you more in the next post! Thank you for reading Blog # 1.

European Travel

Literally a Place of Grace

Everyone has said that Brunswick County and the surrounding areas are a place of healing. Many people gravitate to the water when they have undergone some kind of tragedy/change and want to start their lives over. It is a curious thing when I think about the people who have moved here, to this place of grace, to start over.

I believe that this is true. You can feel it in your spirit. Where I'm from, in Dayton, Ohio, not many move there to start over. The ones who do move there are often the ones who have lived there before and have family there, and I do believe that some are called there. It is a place of spiritual warfare-you can feel it in your spirit. Not many move to Dayton for healing and grace, not like here. I just think it's so amazing how different places have this different spirit about them, and how I know that God has designed it this way.

My conclusion is that in this place of Grace, we are called to have more grace. The people who are here and who have moved here, God has put here because we need this healing and grace. He wants to pour this Grace into us and it will heal others.

I can feel in my spirit, despite the many recent conflicts at Generations Church, that we are bursting into a time of healing and power.

I come from a very charismatic background. I believe in tongues, the prophetic, all of those things that many traditional Christians here in the south have frowned upon. At my old churches, these things were talked about and encouraged often, so of course you would see people practicing them and it filled the churches.

At Generations, there is no talk of any of this. There is only talk of Grace and Love, and yet the spirit in the church and the worship have become so powerful and spirit-filled that I feel like God Himself could show up at any minute, again, despite the conflicts (which I hope will be healed soon and I know are part of His plan somehow).

The revelation that I'm having is that His grace and love hold the power of deliverance and of all of the gifts of the spirit to follow. It makes the appearance of gifts much more natural when it is truly an overflow of the spirit and not coming about because a preacher has been telling you to do it all morning in a sermon. So amazing, the power.

A New Revelation

I woke up this morning after a night's sleep of coughing, choking, and runny nose from allergies. As you can see from my blog title, I'm not from around here. North Carolinians have dubbed me a "yankee", but in fact I am from the midwest, not a true northerner.

My little sinuses apparently haven't grown accustomed to the pollen saturation that spring brings in the south. In my state of loathing, I've been considering other things that have plagued my mind...my lack of friends in my new life....the ever-struggling relationship with God. I keep trying to get back to "that place" or accept that I won't ever be at that place again and that that's okay. I try to start new with God and relate to Him as my new, more predictable, stable, and boring self in lieu of my old, unpredictable, soaring on waves, God's victim self. I have not learned how to live the Christian life when nothing exciting is going on, when I'm not "sacrificing" for God through missions work or desperately dependent on him to supply my needs when I had no husband to take care of me. Now that I have everything that I need, the eyes of my mind are clouded and I can't see God anymore. I think my husband has become my God...decorating the house...thinking about finishing the house....food....

I was actually reading my Bible this morning-the book of Philippians. This is blasphemous, but I've never really enjoyed the book of Philippians because it is so happy and I just can't grasp it. It is almost annoying to me. The only reason that I did read it is because it was part of my homework for the "Created to be His Help Meet" book that I'm going through. I'm in the chapter on being joyful-practicing being joyful. I don't know if any of you have ever felt this way, but I don't like feeling like I have to brainwash myself to do this whole Christian thing. This is one of my struggles with Christianity-sounds weak and lame-but it's so hard! I've come to the conclusion that my flesh is so beyond control, that the only way to fight it is to beat it into submission by fasting, to make my spirit easier to hear the things of God and my eyes more clear to see the spiritual realm of things. Oh, my old, dear friend the fast. You helped me so.

My revelation today was not about fasting though. I was reading my ever-joyful friend Philippians, and came across the old, cliche scripture that reads, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." And it hit me. When I read this scripture in times past, I immediately associated it with weakness, like, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me the strength in this time when my dad died"....or, if you get sick, lose your job, are having issues in marriage, etc...I never thought about it the other way around. This scripture is apparently saying that He can give me the strength as a rich, blind, deaf, and spoiled brat to know Him. I have no physical need; I cannot get out of this worldly rut that I am in. I never thought that I would be where I am now. I thought I would be God's little victim forever, always in want, always able to relate to Him as my Savior in that sense. Now I find it nearly impossible, finding that I don't need Him anymore. But, I guess I do need Him. It's empty inside. I need Him to give me the faith to believe because I cannot muster it up on my own.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me-be a Christian in the midst of living an absolutely ordinary life.