...
Sometimes I forget that I am not in control of my daughter's future. Come to think of it, I have little control over the present as well. And well, the past is, well, past now, so no use fretting over that either.
We just had our second daughter, Cadence Aurelia. She is such a peaceful soul, but her arrival has brought much turmoil to our house. The turmoil has reached into the heart of our firstborn, Chariot Irene, and she has changed. I have thought that I was responsible for this, and responsible for fixing it. Then I remembered that there is a God and that He has a plan.
Chariot Irene loves to pretend to be a mommy. Last week, she unzipped her footy pajamas all the way down to her feet and walked out of her room with my nursing cover on, nursing one of her baby dolls. It shocked me and filled me with joy and laughter.
Then, in my mind came a shocking reality; This little girl is a fleeting moment in time. I am 31 years old, which, how did that happen? Even more quickly, I'll be 40, and then 50, and so on...
And our house will be empty of requests to "wake up the dinosaur" or "play toys", no babies will long to be held and our house will be the saddest kind of clean.
I realized last year sometime that this time is only for us. Our children, right now, they will not be known by anyone but us. Of course, they'll grow up and their friends will know them better than we do, and then they'll hopefully find the loves of their lives and marry the one who will know them the best. But, no one will know our 2-year old Chariot or our 1-month Cadence. Not even their spouses.
This time is for us, and it is passing quickly.
Psalm 39:4
"Show me, LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is."
Ecclesiastes 7:2
"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart."
Now that I am remembering these truths, I am spending my days differently.
...
Our church is doing a "one word" challenge in 2015. Our Pastor charged us to pray to God to speak one word to us, one thing we are to commit to or change in 2015, and this is to be our focus for the year. God revealed my word instantly. Upon hearing others' words, I thought that maybe I had misunderstood the exercise. Everyone was claiming to hear Biblical words that were adjectives or verbs-kindness, discipline, commit, etc...I think I might have the only noun that I've heard so far.
God said, "mother".
At first I heard it as a noun, but now I think it could be a verb in this context as well.
He has confirmed this several times to me, as I was telling a friend this week. One confirmation was last week when I had both of our girls at home and I so desperately wanted to do something not-related to them. I can't remember what it was. I'll just say it was either writing a grocery list or hanging a picture frame, both of which take almost no time. But, it was too much of a request. Some kind of hell ended up breaking loose-I can't remember that either, but I can imagine it was Chariot sitting on her potty, crying about something, while I was trying to wrangle and soothe a fussy Cadence on her changing table.
I may have concocted this in my own mind based on what a human would have said, but I had this feeling, a small voice saying, "You weren't listening to me, were you?"
mother
Normally, the above scenario could sent me careening over the edge of sanity, but with my focus now on being a mother, and only that, I cope more easily and even look forward to what 2015 may bring, even if it is a year of changing diapers, drying tears, and giving the exact same answer to the exact same seemingly pointless questions 15-20 times in the car. What the old me would have seen as an inconvenience in a busy day, I now see as a blessing and continually pray for deeper insight into how each moment I take to look into their eyes will shape their future.
We now spend mornings letting Chariot help make the coffee, and she likes to wait for the magical dark liquid to drip into the pot. She holds my hand as we watch the coffee come down. It has made me appreciate the invention of the coffee pot like never before. It really is amazing. This morning, we ended up sitting on the floor, looking up at the dripping pot and singing "Amazing Grace" while I played with her hair.
...
Chariot has, up to now, been influenced by a lot of mothers. She spends her days with me, watching me take care of the house and go grocery shopping, taking care of her baby sister. She spends time at church seeing women care for the children in "The Nest" (our young children's ministry), and she sees maternal women come to our house often lately to help me as a new mom of two. She is also influenced by my mother-in-law, "Meemo", who was a stay-at-home mom and homeschool mom. It doesn't get any more dedicated than that, in my opinion.
Chariot's life is so very different from my childhood. That thought makes me go back in time and relive my entire life up to now in flashes of memory in mind, and I start to fear God. I marvel at how I was once in darkness, but was found. I realize that it was nothing that I did, but belief comes only by God's grace. I realize that if I am here now, somehow, by the hand of God, then all of this must be His will for me.
As I've had the revelation for my word for 2015, "mother", and started praying for deeper insight into situations involving our children, I see that God is preparing my Chariot. I can't see the future, but I can pray for the future, and, I believe God can give me insight into the future to pray accordingly. I see things developing in her, a desire for mommyhood and a tenacious attitude that never gives up. She has no idea how to tie her shoes, but she will try and try again so very hard until she works herself into anger. And I know, that because of my praying for God's will and protection in her life, that this must be part of his plan for her. The lack of attention from mommy and daddy from having to divide it between two girls and the pain that it is bringing must be part of his plan.
I remember talking with my mother-in-law shortly after Chariot was born and telling her that I was worried that she would resent me because I have a wavering faith that I sometimes cannot hide. She has a way of reassuring that I sometimes find simple and annoying, but I ended up reaching a point where I can't deny the wisdom in her advice.
She told me that even I reach a point of total unbelief, then that must be a part of God's plan for her. This put me at ease. Not, of course, the part about me possibly reaching a point of unbelief, but the other part.
God has a plan, and I am not in control of it. I can only be an instrument, and I have decided to try my hardest. I have decided that playing worship music with my husband is second or possibly last place, being a better and more successful photographer is a dream or idea on hold, hanging a picture frame may not happen until I'm 40. Here is why:
"Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him." Psalm 127:3
What is a heritage? I know basically what it means, but felt led to look it up. Here's what I found:
1. something that comes or belongs to one by reason of birth; an inherited lot or portion:
"a heritage of poverty and suffering; a national heritage of honor, pride, and courage."
2. something reserved for one:
"the heritage of the righteous."
3. Law. a.something that has been or may be inherited by legal descent or succession.
b.any property, especially land, that devolves by right of inheritance.
Here is what I concluded:
It is something from which you cannot escape or change, which leads me to believe that it must be determined and destined by God.
Our children are our destiny.
And our children have a destiny. We are a part of that, but ultimately God is in control of it. Knowing that has set me free as a mom.
This time is for us, and it's happening now.
...
